Don't be Jealous......

What the??? That's all I can say for the last few years since Jeremy lost his job.

We have gone through many many changes and learned a whole bunch of lessons....

I normally don't blog like a journal , but a wanted to write a few things to spark my memory later in life to remind me to be grateful for Who i end up being, and the things I have and the people in my life that has been such a great support to me.

It all started when Jeremy lost his job... When he 1st come home and told me it was a sigh of relief... Its hard to have your husband gone for days, weeks and even months at a time without seeing him... I was working a full time job, pregnant with a hard pregnancy and had my sweet Madison...

 ( a lot of Thanks to Candice and Tawna for taking care of her while I worked)

 I was going to have my husband home YAY! we will be like a normal family, be together everyday... spend time doing fun things as a family!, and Jeremy and I can finally spend time together...

And then reality hit in.....

We had our sweet Kaidence January 1st after spending a few days in the hospital they decided with the HIGH protein and my blood pressure so high it was time they took Kaidence worrying that i might seizure even losing one of us or the both of us... So scary hearing that, then a million Dr's coming in to prepare for who knows what!! Once Kaidence was born, they rushed her out of the room..... and EVERYONE went with her... I was left alone... scared to death if my baby was ok... and what in the world am i supposed to be doing.... Finally a nurse a came in told me what was going on, and the Dr will be a few minutes to help me clean up! it probably was only a few minutes but felt like forever... Needless to say everything was ok.. I am okay and my sweet baby is to... She had to go to the NICU for just over 2 months... Very hard wondering if the call i would receive daily was only a update for me or I'm losing my baby.. Madison LOVED her new sister.. it was hard because she could only go to the hospital on weekends, but we went daily to feed her and hold her.. when we could. This was really hard for Madison to understand.

Kaidence was a fighter and she still is today.. She is so spunky.. and i believe she could rule the world.. (well she does ours)

I decided I was no longer going to be able to work.. I really needed to stay home with my baby.. Luckily my work offered  me a work at home job... ;) All i can say is it is not as easy as you think... I loved my job, I loved going to an actual building seeing people and being ranked a #1 team lead and the respect I got, made me feel proud and wanted... ;) So going home and doing everything over phone or chat was a huge and hard change for me... But I would not change it for anything. I'm glad i have a Job... insurance and Get to be a mom!(without my baby home yet ;( )

Jeremy got a job right away! We were making maybe a 1/4 of what we  were making before. So some big life changes are going to happen.. Honestly we were trying to keep everything we had... and doing what we normally would do. we did a debt consolidation hoping this would help us get through this hard time.. We both got second jobs and worked our asses off in hoping we would not lose anything... Well we started slowly selling everything we could, didn't want to lose our house or our cars...

we then lost our house and had to move in with my in-laws. We are extremely grateful that they  were there to support us, and didn't even think twice asking us to move in with them.. Still working hard to not lose anything else paying our lawyers still selling our stuff to keep what we can or really didnt want to lose. 

During this time it has been hard..  We think about our family, what is going to be best for us?, how are we going to offer a great childhood for our kids? How in the world are me and Jeremy going to make it another day.. feeling frustrated, lost, losers... that we have failed, family disappointed, How are our kids?, are they OK? are they feeling the same way we do? Feeling embarrassed that we are where we are at being 32.

We always thought life would be so different.. and it has sure changed.

 Life will take us where it wants to...

Its been hard to let go of what we have worked hard for... starting over.. but on the other hand we are so grateful that we have a chance to start over and create a life that i hope it will be great for our family..

What has been the hardest is everyone talks.. everyone has their opinions.. what we should do, when we should do it..  And they talk, and talk and talk... make judgements about us when they don't know the situation, or look down on us with the decisions we are making thinking that we are doing it wrong or just not the way they would do it... It is a daily fight to not let it hurt you.. But it does not matter how hard.... you don't... Because like i said before.. we are already questioning what we are doing... and we are working hard to do what is best for us... I would love to see all those people judging or talking about our situation as if they have all the answers... and see how they would do in this same situation. it has really left us heart broken seeing the people in your life change the way they support you in this bad time.

The last few years have left us very vulnerable. hurt, scared, frustrated, questioning ourselves.. But the saddest thing... Thinking we are bad parents and failures..

We know deep down we are not.. We know we work hard, and we are giving it all we got to make till tomorrow hoping that's the day it will get better...

We are so close.. and barely hanging on...

We are learning that we are strong people, we do make good decisions, and we love each other and we love our kids. I believe, we will make it out of thing so strong and we will be able to have the life we want and to be able to give our kids a great life.

We are learning patients ALL of us including our kids, we are learning what is most important to us and how to hold on and support each other. We are learning to be confident, and Happy with our decisions.. They might not always be right but that was our decision, we are learning to learn from our mistakes. .. we are learning to communicate and to work as a team. We have learned to not judge , but be a support and a hand for when someone else needs it.

Those that have loved us, stood by our side, helped us when we needed it. We thank you and are grateful for you being in our life. Being our "Angel when we needed it"